How to identify when personal boundaries cross line into harmful relationship secrecy

Relationships often serve as a series of learning experiences that test the maturity of those involved. A primary challenge for many couples is distinguishing between "privacy" and "secrecy."

Taking to Instagram on Saturday, Jeff Guenther, a licensed professional counsellor based in Portland, sought to clarify these concepts. He suggests that while privacy is about protecting the individual, secrecy is designed to protect a situation, often at the expense of the partner's autonomy.

Examples of privacy versus secrecy

To help individuals, particularly "straight men," Jeff Guenther provided clear scenarios:

• Who you are talking to: Privacy is not sharing every contact; secrecy is avoiding a name to prevent a difficult conversation.
• Your past: Privacy is not sharing everything on day one; secrecy is hiding "a kid, a previous marriage," or relevant history.
• Money: Personal spending is private, but hiding "debt that is going to become their partner’s problem" is secrecy.
• The relationship: Privacy is one's inner world, whereas secrecy is when a partner has "checked out" without informing the other.
• Therapy: Privacy is not repeating verbatim conversations; secrecy is hiding therapy work that directly affects the relationship.

Jeff Guenther concludes that secrecy involves "withholding information about yourself that your partner needs to decide if (they) even want to be with you."

Ultimately, such behaviour is less about self-protection and more about controlling what a partner is allowed to know, thereby preventing them from making a genuine choice regarding their future.